The Master's Return

I have a confession to make.  I have a weird tick.  Or something.  I don't know what you would call it.  A paranoia?  But, it's not really.  I wouldn't say I'm paranoid.  It's just this thing.  This thought that flashes in my mind every morning.  I guess I always figured that on some level, everyone thinks this at some point.  A mother, watching for the rise and fall of the chest as a child sleeps.  A father, listening for the sound of a child playing after a sudden silence.

Anyway, here it is.  Every morning, when I wake...I have a sudden fear of opening my bedroom door.  It's not a paralyzing fear, or even one that I acknowledge every morning, but it is there...every single morning.  And, it's not a phobic fear either, I don't think.  I have a phobia and this certainly isn't like that fear at all.  Why am I afraid to open my door?  I always think I might find the dead bodies of my family and pets.

Shocking, I know.  It's enough to make me check on every one of them before I go to bed and as soon as I wake in the morning.  If my mother is supposed to be at work, I'll check every room of the house for her, just to be sure.  And I'll check the garage.  I may be verging on OCD, but it's not something I HAVE to do, it's just something I WANT to do.  Some days, I don't do it....or at least I don't do it right away, or in such an intentional manner.  Just the process of waking and feeding the dogs and brushing my teeth...these things bring me through every room in the house and I glance inside.

I've never been the one to discover a dead body.  I've watched animals and people die and I've been to funerals, so I'm not unfamiliar with death.  I'm not afraid of death either.  I have no fears of dying myself.  I know the Lord will keep me and protect me.  So, why do I imagine that I'll find my mother, lifeless on the couch, or my dogs in an eternal sleep on their little, fluffy beds?  I'm always so happy to see them breathe or move around.

I know I can survive on my own.  I don't NEED my dogs or my mother to survive.  In fact, I have lived without them.  For  2 years I lived in another state, alone in an apartment.  Of course, I had communication with mom and could hear the dogs barking.

I think I just don't want to be the one to discover them....dead.  I want to be prepared, like I was with my grandmother.  Or I want to find out from someone else, so I can deal with it in my own way.  Alone...without having to think about what they look like...dead.

I guess there is a very strange thing about seeing a corpse.  That person is there....but they aren't.  I've been ok at funerals in the past.  Would it be different for my mother?  I know I'm about to lose my grandparents (paternal).  I'm very close to them and they are very old.  I guess I'm somewhat prepared, but it will still be upsetting.

Is it really weird?   When I think about it, it seems odd, but then I think about how mothers watch their sleeping babies breathing.  It's the same thing, isn't it? 

And, I've thought about if I'd want to NOT feel this way.  Would I want to be so comfortable in life that I didn't think about the possibility of sudden death?  No, I wouldn't.  I wouldn't want to not feel that.  I always want to be aware of the finite conditions of this world.  I know that I have eternity with the Lord, and I pray that all my loved ones accept that promise as well.  But never do I want to start a day without thinking that it could be my last, or the last of a loved one.

I guess it makes every moment pretty precious, doesn't it?  I enjoy everything I have with my loved ones, even the tedious stuff, the hard stuff, the painful stuff.  I appreciate playing with my dogs just as much as I appreciate cutting their nails.  The little necessary things...they are a part of life.  Everything is important.  Everything we do with someone or for someone is important.  It's all part of the gift of them.  My mother is a gift to me...God's gift.  I will cherish every part of the gift.  Even when she is increasing forgetful and I have to check my frustration.  My dogs are gifts.  I will cherish every moment I have with them...the grooming, the playing, the feeding, the medicine, the barking when I'm sleeping.  ;)

I thank God for all the gifts in my life and I thank Him for the reminder I have every morning that this could be the last day of something.  The only moment.  Cherish it.  Embrace it.  Know that if I have to go through pain, God will carry me and protect me through it.

Mark 13:32-37

 “However, no one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows. And since you don’t know when that time will come, be on guard! Stay alert!

“The coming of the Son of Man can be illustrated by the story of a man going on a long trip. When he left home, he gave each of his slaves instructions about the work they were to do, and he told the gatekeeper to watch for his return. You, too, must keep watch! For you don’t know when the master of the household will return—in the evening, at midnight, before dawn, or at daybreak. Don’t let him find you sleeping when he arrives without warning. I say to you what I say to everyone: Watch for him!”